my concept

I decided to look into the word, "grief".

My professor asked us to think of a concept that is very important to us, something that we really want to look into. This concept will be something that we will be looking into, researching on, and it will serve as our major paper in her subject.

The first concept that came into my mind was "grief". Not that I would looove to look into this, neither is this something very dear to me. But I realized, this must be somehow important to me, because it's a part of my life. I go through this almost everyday. But gosh, do I hate it. I hate how it's a part of me, and how I wish it wasn't. How I wish that I didn't have to deal with something like this... This early. I wish that grief wasn't so familiar. But it is... And I figured, if this is something that's part of me, then it's probably important.

So I chose grief... I also figured, might as well make use of it... Make something out of it... That sounded so... utilitarian. But come on, really... Who knows, maybe in the long run, I might actually write a book... Maybe when I feel more sane about all this.... And hey, I think it's time I look into it... I think I've been wanting to do this. I know it will help me somehow. So I'm diving into it.

Lately, I've been finding solitude in literature. Woah woah, well... I think I've always found solitude in literature... Just that... You know, when other people are able to put into words the very emotion that you cannot seem to lay a finger on, you don't feel so alone, and you feel less... Insane about it.

I read C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed." I took in each chapter, marked down words that held true to me, and cried as I was reading them. After a paragraph or two, I'd have to pause for a while, think, and cry again. I even found myself reading some words out loud, because these were the very emotions I was unable to express through words. So yes, I was hurting while reading this, but at the same time comforted... Affirmed, that what I'm going through is perfectly normal. That even one of the most brilliant men cry and feel utterly helpless when it comes to grief.

I wish I could be more sophisticated with this entry. I do want to share what I've been learning so far. But right now, I just need to let this all out. In the mean time, perhaps a quote from the book will have to suffice:

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?  How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed