December 20, 2012: A birthday letter to you

Hi Mum,

I cried while eating brunch earlier today, probably because I was thinking of what to put here, and because today's your birthday.

I don't know what's worse, dreaming that you're still here, and waking up to find out that it's not true; or facing the reality that I'm living life without you... At least while I'm still here on earth.

I've grown more accustomed to grief, and sadly, I've accepted that it will always be a part of me. A part of my emotion that will constantly be triggered somehow. It still catches me off guard. There are days when I can simply talk about you, and there are days when I break down into tears, or feel this lump in my throat, or this heaviness in my chest. I've come to accept that it will always be unpredictable, and sometimes I just need to be nicer to myself when it happens.

I'd like to say that this is the day that I will cry over you the most, but there have been other days where I have cried more. Sometimes they're not even special occasions, but everyday occurrences, such as waking up and not having to do anything for that day, or having to go to school. I miss the days when I'd get up, and see you already at the living room doing your phone calls, or answering emails. Or me coming home from school, and talking to you. I miss your hugs, your kisses, your voice, your advice, your facial expressions... I miss everything about you, everything I've shared with you, everything you've shared with me, but most of all, I miss you.

Tonight we celebrate your birth, and take more time to thank God for allowing us to have you in our life, even if it seems like it was just a little while. We love you, and we miss you everyday. Happy birthday mum.

Your Little Rosebud,
Jessum

NOTE:  To whom it may concern,
I hope you understand that I am fully aware that my mother, who is now in Heaven will not really be able to read this(although sometimes I'd like to hope that God would allow such a thing, haha). I do these kinds of post for myself, for those who grieve with me, and for those who have also lost a loved one. This is my way of coping, and I guess also my way of ministering to those who grieve with me. Thank you, and I hope you were somehow blessed :)