Dear Dia Alicia...

I finally understand what people mean when they call a baby a bundle of joy. 

I’m not really the type to go crazy when there’s a baby. I’ll talk and mingle with my friend’s babies. But I’m not the type to want to carry one, or even bother to approach one. I don’t hate babies, I just never understood what the fuzz was all about. I mean, it’s just a baby.

So who knew that I’d be like this when Dia Alicia came out.

To my niece, Dia Alicia, 

You won’t be able to understand or read this now, but I write this letter to you, mostly for me to look back at this wonderful milestone that God has allowed me to have at 26.

When your tatay first sent photos of you crying with your eyes closed, I knew right then and there that I was going to love you. Then again, I thought that I was probably exaggerating, because they were just photos.

You know, I don’t really have a very pleasant memory of hospitals. Mostly because that’s where me and your tatay's mom, your Lola Alice, passed away. You’ll hear about her more when you’re older… Anyway, hospitals are no fun for me. The smell, the environment, just don’t connote happy memories. But your arrival reminded me that hospitals are not all that bad, they can also be the bearer of good news.

You were born on March 19, 2016, and your Lolo Audie and I got to see you the day after. My heart sank when I first laid eyes on you. So I guess I can truthfully quote a song from Hamilton and say that…

“When you came into the world, you cried, and it broke my heart.”

I was not in tip top shape during the first few months of 2016. Let’s just say that I was dealing with a number of changes that I wish I had more time to absorb. And I guess, when you’re dealing with many things that overwhelm you all at once, you get too caught up with your own world.

But when I saw you sleeping soundly for the very first time, my world stopped for a brief moment, and it felt like all my hang ups and young adult problems no longer mattered.

I found myself wanting to visit you again, even though you didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. I never thought I would find so much enthusiasm just watching you. 

And now that you’re becoming more responsive, curious, and mobile, I just get all the more excited. I was already excited with you "not doing anything", so imagine my excitement now.

Some friends have asked me if I have now grown a certain fondness for babies...


And with all honesty, I don’t think so. I still don’t find myself wanting to carry other babies, or endlessly gushing over them. It is only with you, Dia that I'm like this (so far), and I think the only possible explanation is simply because you’re my niece.

So Dia, even though you don’t really understand this yet, I truly thank God for you. I never thought that I could love someone this way this much. Your Lolo Audie has a distinct smile whenever he sees you, and that also lights up my heart. 

You are a bundle of joy indeed.

If I ever don’t become a mother (although, that has never exactly been on my checklist), I’m grateful nevertheless, because through you, God has given me a teeny tiny glimpse on what it’s like to be a mom.

Happy first birthday, my niece. You are so loved.

From,

Tita Jess

When You Turned Down that Retirement Benefit

Dear Mum,

I am brought to a particular memory.

Back when I was in high school, you made a decision to leave your promising career to spend more time with us. Some people felt like you could have waited a little longer, in order for you to get that retirement benefit. But that didn’t matter to you. You knew that even in those few years, a lot could already be done.

This started when cancer came back the second time, and you got to spend more time at home. So when kuya and I got home from school, you got first dibs on all our stories. You enjoyed every bit of it, and I enjoyed seeing you and spending time with you.

And I remember, when you finally recovered, and got back to work, you decided that you wanted to spend more time with the family. Not that you didn’t when you had a full time job, but I remember you telling me that you wanted to be more present. 

You chose us over your career, over your retirement benefit, even when you really did not have to. You’ve always done that, and so I never felt like you never had time for us. Thank you for doing that mum. Thank you for reminding me that although we should be spending our money wisely, there are still a bunch of things that money can’t buy.

May I always keep in mind the things that really matter. I miss you always, I miss you everyday.

Love,

Jess

Facing my What If's, and Turning Silver

Happy silver to me... Here comes  the quarter life crisis... Here comes the self-assessment...

"24 and ready for more" was what I said last time.

I didn’t really make any concrete plans as to how I was going to go about that line, but I can say that this year, I’ve been braver. I don’t want to sound like I’ve got all the wisdom in the world, but I guess you just get to an age where you just want to confront the situation, instead of second guessing all the time. I realized that one of the things I’m afraid of is constantly living in the “what if” of things, and not doing anything about it.

One of Kuya and Yang's gift for me during my birthday.

And I realized that a lot of my "what if’s" were doable... “Faceable.”

What if I applied for this or that job?
                So I sent out my resume, and let the employers decide if they wanted me or not. Surprisingly, I’ve had good feedbacks and offers. But since I couldn’t commit to being a full time employee, because I was still studying, I had to turn down a few jobs. But it felt great knowing that... And it seems, based on their reactions... That I’m wanted, because they noticed that I was pursuing an MA degree. So once again, my decision in getting into grad school has been affirmed. At the moment, I do some freelance writing, part time tutoring with Tutoring Club, and private tutoring on the side.  And I would not have gotten into those jobs if I did not inquire, or met up with the people involved. Who knew I could find jobs that would be flexible enough for a graduate student?

What if I went scuba diving?
                Totally unplanned' and probably the craziest one I’ve done this year. You may just refer to my post about that on  A First, Down at the Deep Blue Sea. I know I’ve got a long way to go with diving, and I don’t intend on becoming a Master Diver of some sort, but since I’m officially a PADI licensed diver... I guess  that makes things... More legit. Goodness me, I need to review.

What if I just took the time to get to know someone?
                Funny how you can break preconceived notions, see what you’re capable of doing, and discover new interests... If you just take the time to get to know people.

What if I was more honest about how I felt, and directed that honesty towards those people concerned?            

               Okay, to be clear, this isn’t some” Miley Cyrus' only God can judge us”, or “Kim Kardashian's selfies”, or "Taylor Swift’s I’ve got a Blank Space baby and I’ll write your name” (although I do love that song) kind of thing... I’m just talking about, confronting truths, and clearing up misunderstandings. The kind where you do your part, and” ball’s on your court now, buddy” kind of thing...

I’m only going to stick with four for this post. As much as I want to leave you with, “AND YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT”, or “WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SURPRISE YOU”, all this facing my what if’s has also left me tired, and feeling a bit beaten in some areas, to a point where I am so tempted to be indifferent. But after much thought, and as confusing as this may sound, I really would not have it any other way. As the saying goes, “no RAGRETZZZ.” As tiring or frustrating it may have been, I’m still glad I tried, and went out there and did it. Sure, everything didn’t turn out well, but it wasn’t  all that bad either. All I really want to say is, go take risks. Try try try try... You’ll never know unless you try (so long as it’s not illegal and sinful –just to clarify).   

Maybe I’m naive, or making myself too vulnerable, but I’d rather be involved than be indifferent.  So here’s to another year of understanding adulthood, and making things up along the way. 

I am 25, and I'm ready to dive... Literally and figuratively.

Another gift from Kuya and Yang. But got it a bit dirty.

   

On Forgetting and Owning Up

I forgot I had work this morning.

I usually work every Saturday from 9-12pm. Today, I woke up with a text from my boss, asking if I was already on my way.

I totally forgot. I looked at my previous text conversations with her, and remembered that I confirmed that I would come in this morning. 

I've got a number of reasons as to what made me forget. A number of reasons I could give my boss 
-been researching for school, spent my Monday getting the car fixed, had a tiring Friday, this week's been a lot busier, etc. etc. But at the root of it all, was that I simply forgot I had work today.

And that was it, and that was all I told her as I apologized. 

My dad and I were talking about how sometimes, we just really fall short in our responsibilities, and all we're simply left to do is apologize, and move forward. 

I'm not here to say that I get brownie points for quickly admitting my mistake today, and all that jazz. If anything, I really could have been more mindful of my schedule. But I just want to say (and I am telling this to myself as well), that sometimes, or perhaps most of the time, we just really have to own up to our mistakes.
  

source: cartoonstock

My dad reminded me of this example. Let's look back at a conversation between God and Adam and Eve in Genesis 3:11-13, after they had eaten from the fruit that God told them not to:

 He (God) said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.”  Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Eh kasi siya God eh, eh kasi sila... 

Sure, they still sinned, and the consequence would have most probably been the same, whether or not Adam and Eve immediately owned up to their own mistake. But the way they responded just added more "shame" to the wrong that they've committed.
. 

source: After Eden

How do we usually respond when we fall short on something, or when we are confronted with a mistake?

So how 'bout it. Let's apologize, own up, and strive to do a better job next time. Cheers.

November 12, 2014: To My Favorite Dad

Hi Daddyyyyy,

I just want to say that I think you’re pretty great, and this blog post is not enough for me to express all of that. Yes, you’ve read correctly, I am posting this letter on my blog, because I want people to know (more or less) what kind of a dad you are.

I know it’s been difficult without mum around, and I’m sure it was the hardest during the first few years without her. I know you miss her everyday, and probably much more than we miss her. But I just want to let you know that if I were able to give her a feedback on how you’ve been doing as a single dad, I’d tell her that you’re doing such a wonderful job at not only keeping our house in order, but also making sure that we have a comfortable home.  I know for sure that she would be so proud to know that.

I always look forward to eating at home, because our meals are not only healthy, but also very delicious.  I no longer see the need to order salmon in restaurants (sometimes I even think that they’re rather a rip off), because I know that we have better and bigger salmon at home (us already... kami na po ang may salmon). Of course, occasionally, I still would want to have some sashimi, or that baked salmon at Conti’s. But nevertheless, thank you for making salmon as one of our regular ulams. Plus, thank you for making sure that we not only have ice cream in the freezer, but that we have Tilamook ice cream a.k.a one of the best ice creams in the world! My ice cream purchase went down, ever since you’ve decided to make that a regular.

Dad, you are the fittest person in our house. You bring kuya and I to shame, hahaha. In fact, I have heard a bunch of other people talk about how fit you are, and how they envy you for being able to tuck in your long sleeves shirts without having to worry about your stomach bulging out. I know we have no excuse to workout. And I continually aspire to be fit, because of how you and mum value fitness.

Thank you for your continuous support in my noble pursuit for higher learning. I am proud to be an iskolar ng bayan, but I am ultimately grateful for being an iskolar ni Audie, hahaha. Thank you for valuing knowledge, for reminding me that learning is a pursuit in itself, and nothing is ever wasted when you learn something. Thank you for always encouraging me to try things out, and for reminding me that I will never know how things will turn out, unless I try or do something about it.

When I think about my whole walk with God, I realized that it was easy for me to accept and see God as my Father, simply because of the love you’ve shown to us. It was easy for me to understand God’s discipline, because of the way you disciplined us with love. It was easy for me to easily talk to God, because you and mum made sure that we can talk to you about anything. So thank you for being a wonderful model of that.

Now that you’ve read this post, I guess that really makes me your favourite daughter. Sometimes I feel bad for my non-existent sisters, whenever you tell the sales people that I’m your favourite daughter, hahaha.  I never thought that I would consider my dad to be one of my best friends. I enjoy spending time with you –whether it be walking around the grocery store, watching movies late at night, or endlessly talking about the Godfather or quoting different movie lines, I enjoy every bit of it.  

A lot of sons and daughters may claim and say that they have the best dad in the world, and I’m not going to compete with that. So let me just say this: Among all the dads in the world, you’re my favourite.

Happy birthday daddy. I love you.

Your favourite daughter,
Jess

P.S.
Thanks as well for the very cool last name.

   

A first, Down at the Deep Blue Sea

What started out as a simple suggestion to Jeremiah to take us scuba diving, turned out to be an intensive crash course (like aim to get your license type of thing) on how to properly scuba dive. I remember when we were just talking about the whole thing: Jeremiah was just showing me videos of him and his family underwater, Kuya Api was talking to him about some business plans, Kuya Mike simply saying that his game to join, and me (quite hesitantly, as I needed to see how much this was going to cost me) saying yes. Next thing I knew, Jerem was handing us out materials to study (although I wasn't able to really study them, haha), and a date was set.

My dive buddies.

So yesterday was that day. Got picked up by Kuya Api and Jeremiah a wee bit before 5am, met up with Kuya Mike at GCF, and we were off. The moment we were at the car, I had half a mind of catching up on sleep, but Jerem was already orienting us on what to do, and asking us scuba dive questions (on which I found myself guessing half the time, haha).

Scuba diving is so UNREAL. I guess I just never thought that I'd see so many varieties of fish. I mean, duh, it is the ocean. But I always thought that you'd have to go to either Palawan or Cebu to see all that. But here we were at Anilao, Batangas (still a long drive from Manila, but not as far off), seeing all these fish.

Jerem was right. He said that when he first went scuba diving, his only regret was that he should have done this a long time ago (parang naman ang tanda na niya, haha). But I think that's what won me. I just couldn't pass off an opporturnity such as this. By opportunity, I mean, being taught by a friend who's a licensed instructor, and going with a crazy, gutsy group.

There is a point to this post. Other than learning how to properly scuba dive, I was also reminded about some other important things:

There's no harm in trying.

"Just try, try. You'll never know unless you try." That's what my dad's always been telling me. To just try and see if it's for me, or if it's something I'd like to do. I think I have been doing  that. Taking my MA in English is one proof it (but that's something I really need to finish, and not just try, haha). But I think this year, in particular, I've generally been more intentional with trying stuff. I remember a conversation with one of my high school friends, Leandro. He said, "we're at an age, where we can afford to make mistakes." So I say, yeah, try stuff guys, just try. You'll never know unless you try. BUT PLEEEEASE, WITHIN REASON of course, haha. I've got friends near my age, who talk as if that's all there is for them. And I've thought about that countless of times. But don't settle my dear friends, you'll never know unless you try.

Before heading out to dive. Sabi ni Jeremiah, picture daw habang masaya at buhay pa kami, hahaha.

There's much to be learned in fear.
So we dove twice. The first one was pretty good, and not as deep. The current was pretty okay, and I thought that that was just amazing. The second time, around after lunch, we were dealing with stronger currents, planning to go down a whole lot deeper, and when were just by the shore, I was already hesitating. I had so many thoughts, like how I was going to carry my diving tank, how I was going to swim to the place with all the current, and if I was going to be able to equalize on time. Plus, there were these steps descending and ascending steps that we needed to remember. Too many thoughts, too many things happening all at once, that when we descended, I had to signal to George, the Dive Master in that place, that I wanted to go up. I figured I might as well surface up before we get any deeper (as it is not advisable to ascend to quickly). Anyway, the other three were ahead of me, and I just... needed.. to think.

Want to know my thoughts? Haha... Ang yabang mo kasi eh, oo lang ng oo, tingnan mo tuloy... What was I thinking... I wish Jeremiah was here... So what if I'm behind, I just want to get out of here... Guhh, if I don't go, they're going to be talking about their time underwater, and I wouldn't know... Sayang naman kung hindi ako bumaba...

At the same time, George (whom the guys have deemed my warrior/drill sergeant), was telling me to just go down, as it will be a whole lot calm under. And when I couldn't respond, he gave me an ultimatum: either we go down, or we go back to the shore, coz it's not good to be on the surface with all the current. And so I said... After calming myself a lil bit, and psyching myself out, that I was going to go... Descend the deep blue sea. And true enough, going down was rough, with all the waves, everything was just blue, I was equalizing and looking at George half the time. But when we got deep, everything was calm, and there was beauty once again.

From left to right, George, Jeremiah, Kuya Api, and Kuya Mike.

Thankfully, I don't know how George did it, we caught up with Jeremiah, Kuya Api, and Kuya Mike. The moment we spot them, Jerem was so happy, that he gave me a hug. I was giving him the peace sign (on which he could not get) to signal my apology for the delay. And off we were, deeper than deep. We spot a boat wreck, school of fish, corals... I wish I could properly name all the things I saw under, and I wish I had an underwater camera, but let me just say that the ocean is so beautiful.

A calm leader can calm a fearful follower
 Jerem asked me what was going in my head when I was at the surface. He asked if I would have preferred that he was there, or was it okay that I was left with George. I told him that I remember thinking of asking George to get him, but then that would have been too much to ask. Other than being such a good coach, one thing that I really appreciated with Jeremiah was how calm and collected he was. Amidst the current in the surface, and the deep blue sea, Jerem was as calm as a cucumber. When I feel out of control, I just look at Jerem, and I feel A-okay. I think being with a gutsy group helped me a whole lot. They said that for a first timer diver, I actually already did a lot, but I think that I wouldn't have done what I did if I didn't have a crazy and gutsy group.

Jeremiah says I was inventing a new sign underwater by doing this. I said it was a peace sign to say that I'm sorry, haha.

So that's my take on scuba diving. Go for it. But you have to be committed, because once you're deep underwater, you cannot just immediately surface up (as that would be even more dangerous). But I say it's worth it. It helps to get out of the city every now and then, to be reminded of how there's more to life than having the latest gadgets, catching the big sale, having high speed internet, going to the biggest parties, etc.

We've got such a creative God, who simply created this beautiful world in 6 days. I haven't even seen everything, and I'm already so amazed, what more if I go farther and further? Today I woke up exhausted... And grateful for God's protection... Because... That was just insane, hahaha. Definitely doing this again, next time with an underwater camera, and hopefully get licensed in the near future. Not that this was really on my bucket list, but I'm really glad that I can cross this out on things I haven't done. Plus, I no longer have to wonder, and really worry what it's like to be deep under the sea, coz I've already done it.

The ocean is beautiful you guys, let's be more mindful, and take great care of it.

Obligatory 2013 Post

Before I begin, I just want to say that I wrote this post on December 20th, so.... yeah, pardon my tardiness, haha.

I could have sworn I made a birthday blog when I turned 23 last year, because I remember taking pictures and posting them. I'm thinking that maybe I wasn't able to post it, and it was just left in the drafts somewhere... That would be a bummer if that was the case. I want to believe that I'll be able to make one last  post for the year after this one, but who am I kidding, my December's been really hectic this year. So just to be sure, I'll just make this a general December 2013 post slash 2013 realizations. Here it is folks...

24

I feel like 24 is such a grown up lady age, and I don't even know if I'm playing the role correctly, haha. truth is, I haven't even gotten used to being 23 (there was a time I filled out a form, and wrote 22 as my age), and now I'm another year older. I'm two years behind! But oh well, let's see how 24 goes. I noticed a bunch of people stopped putting the year of their birth on Facebook. I don't know if it's a way to mask their age, but I decided to just keep mine there... Let people know I was born in 1989, and let them compute and know how old I am. Why should I be ashamed anyway. I mean, if at my 20's I'm already shy about my age, what more when I'm in my 40's right? So I say, the heck with it. I'm 24 folks, I am twenty-four.

Some birthday thoughts

When it was nearing my birthday, I really didn't feel like I was about to have one. I mean, it's not like I was going to have a big party that day or anything, neither was I expecting people to treat me special, but I guess there were just a lot of things going in my head, but when it started sinking in, I gave myself that obligatory birthday look back (whuuut?). You know, where you just think about how you spent your life as a 23 year old, and see if it was a good year. I guess everyone who turn a year older take the time to ponder on these things. Did I spend it well? I think about people near my age who have already accomplished so much, like James Harden being in the NBA, or Jennifer Lawrence winning an Oscar... Did I make the most of it? Here are some of my thoughts regarding that... (yess, more subheadings).

1. 23 year old Jess spent most of her life being a UP student, which was pretty okay. I didn't think I could do so well, or so much better in school. It's more challenging now, so.... I should just work harder.
2. A second take at puberty. I don't know if this is UP's doing, but my clothes started to fit better, and I started feeling better when I turned 23. Seriously, it's like I got a second shot at puberty. I haven't really had a consistent workout, but people would tell me that I've lost weight. As much as I want to say that I've been working so hard for it, the most honest reply I could give them was "turning 23, and having a second and better take at puberty", hahaha. I'm a late bloomer anyway.
3. I told myself that I'd be more conscious with what I wear. In a sense that when I look at myself in the mirror, and don't like what I see, I either not wear that particular piece of clothing, and change into something I'm more confident with, or just do whatever I can to look better and feel better. Why why why? Because I realized that if I'm not happy with myself, I'll be affecting the way I treat the people around me that day. So it's not really just about vanity, but it's feeling good about yourself, so you can treat the people around you better.
4.  I've also been more aware to the things I say yes to, or commit to. So I've been more careful with what I get into. I've told myself that if I cannot give my hundred percent in that area, then I should not get into it. There's really nothing new about that thought, but I've just been more aware of applying that in my life.
5. Cherish friendships and relationships. I've started accepting that I can't be friends with everyone, and that I shouldn't feel bad about that. There are just some people I get along more, and are easier to be with, so I do my best to cherish them.

I'm going to stop at 5, because as you can see, they're pretty basic stuff. My friend Jops and I were talking about growing up, and how we realized that there's really no manual in being an adult. Your parents and other grown ups may give you very helpful advice, but most of the stuff are things you learn along that way. So yeah... I'm at that learning curve folks, and I may take a while.

Goodbyes

I realized that since I turned 20, I've had to say goodbye to something or someone every year. In 2010, I've had to say goodbye to my mum, which was one of the most painful goodbyes ever, and is still very painful. Of course hers isn't a lasting goodbye, but it may take a while for me to see her again (who knows how long I'll be here anyway). In 2011, I've had to bid Mang Roger goodbye, as we no longer needed a driver. I remember crying that day, and refusing to let him see me cry. Mang Roger has been there since I was in gradeschool, so we've known each other for a while. But the truth is, we no longer need his service, so that was that. In 2012, I've had to say goodbye to UA&P, which was expected... But in 2013, my family and I have had to deal with two unexpected goodbyes. First was to Ate Rhoda, as her family needed her back in the province. So our family had to adjust to not having a stay-in helper, which turned out really well. We got Aling Vicky who comes in 4 times a week, and she does a really good job at cleaning the house, and making good meals. Second was a rather recent one, and brings me to tears every time. This year, I've had to say goodbye to Sprinkles, my dog of almost 14 years, and that has been difficult. So I don't know if it's a 20's thing... Or a part of being a young adult, to have to constantly say goodbye to a part of your childhood every year... But that's been a recurring theme. Nobody gave me a heads up about that.

It was never about me

But when I think about the whole thing, and how it's been. It was never about me in the first place. Today's mum's birthday, and we shall be doing our annual birthday dinner in remembrance of her. This year I realized, that this whole thing with God taking my mother home "early" had nothing to do with me in the first place. I've been wanting to find a reason or an answer as to why He allowed her to pass away. People have tried to comfort me by telling me that God has a plan in my life and blah blah blah, but that did not really help...But after much thought and prayer, God made me realized that this whole thing had nothing to do with me. Sure, my family and I are affected, and we may choose to embrace this situation as a way for us to minister and reach out to other people, and give God the glory... But that wasn't His main purpose. He doesn't need to us to do anything for Him in the first place...Instead, I realized that it was just simply my mother's time to go Home. God just wanted her Home with Him. It doesn't answer all my questions, nor does it remove the grief, but it makes things a whole lot more bearable. It's always been so simple, it was just me who was making it complicated.

So that's about it. If I go any further, I may just cry. We've got a lot of stuff coming next year, but I'm ready... I think I am. So what's the motto for being 24? I'm 24, and I'm ready for more, nyahaha...

Cheers!